So here are a few things that a lot of time we want people to know but can never say when depression mutes us.
Family and Friendships
We love you lot, believe me we really do. Most of the time you are the glue holding us together and turning our tears into laughter. In the middle of our depressive bouts it’s what we need the most even when we fail to admit it.
But you see at the same time it can cost us a lot of energy and we’re really sorry about the consequences of this.
If you ask us to go somewhere and we all of a sudden ‘don’t feel like it’ isn’t because we don’t want to see you or spend time with you. It’s because to us it feels as if you have just asked us to run three marathons back to back.
If we don’t reply, it isn’t because we don’t want to. It is because our brain makes us believe that replying to that simple question is equivalent to writing your 10,000 word dissertation in 1 minute.
Despite our inability to communicate or express what our head/emotions are experiencing, knowing that you will be there to pick up the phone when we need means more than you giving me the world could ever mean. We want you to know at these times (well always but especially in these times) we appreciate all you do more than you can ever imagine.
Just hold on long enough until we have the energy again to tell you how much your friendship is worth to us.
Boyfriends and Girlfriends
We distance ourselves from ourselves because of the destruction our thoughts cause. If we don’t want to know ourselves how could we ever want anyone else to know us.
Whenever you tell us we’re beautiful we don’t believe it. Not in the “oh tell me again” but in the you fear looking at the mirror because what you see staring back at you is disgusting. Don’t even get on to the fact that you ACTUALLY like us – in our world that is as if you just told us you went to the moon and back in a day.
A lot of the time though this is what we crave the most – someone to feel that extra closeness with that we can sit and cry next to but they will (try) not to demand an explanation for it or feel it is in relation to them.
Yes, a lot of the time we tend to seem annoyed at you or sharp or snappy and once again we’re sorry. But if it is in any way possible to put a positive spin on it you can take it as a compliment. The reason you seem to bear the brunt of our illness is because you’re one of the few people we trust in life. You mean more to us then most people in the world and we don’t mean or want to push you away but sometimes we aren’t that great on controlling our feelings of anger, frustration or isolation.
Please bear with us – we’re trying.
University and work
Surprisingly, it can go one of two ways either we use it to distract us and thus spend every minute of the waking day studying or it seems so impossible we cannot drag ourselves out of bed.
You see that assessment that your stressing over – we are too. However, for us it feels as if someone has just told us to pull around a 44-tonne lorry with only a rope for a week.
The thought of a day at work can make us want to crawl into a dark cupboard, curl up and get someone to lock it so we never have to face this place known as society again.
It isn’t that we don’t enjoy studying or work in fact most of the time we do. Rather it is our belief that we are unable to carry it out. Sometimes we don’t think we are capable enough to complete what lies ahead and other times it just seems an impossible task that would take years to complete.
Please when we are in the midst of our melt down don’t tell us we are being ridiculous and we’re capable of it because honestly we are not in any way going to believe it right there and then. Just help us out if possible and let us get on with it. We’ll get there.
Most importantly just know we’re trying.
Sometimes trying is really REALLY difficult.
But we’re still trying.