So the day I have been dreading for the past fourth months arrived – the first day of final year.
The question all summer was whether to complete it or not and now well I guess it is happening.
A month ago the answer was looking very likely it was going to be a no … yet here I am staring ahead at 9 modules and a maxi project.
How did I get to this point? Hmm that is a great question. Honestly I don’t know but I wanted to write one last blog (for now) to share some realisations which have come out of the last four months.
- Make time for yourself
Sometimes in life you need to take time out to do you.
To focus on yourself and figure out what you need.
That is what my summer entailed – I focused on me. I got two new piercings, I got a tattoo, I travelled the UK (basically), went on three holidays, cut 10 inches off my hair but most importantly I (tried to focus) focused on getting better. Honestly, it has been a long four months and for the most part the “getting better” seemed impossible. The medications weren’t working once again, I tried new ones that in reality made me even worse. The best way to explain how I felt for the most part of this summer is I was drowning in water for three months but just as I was about to drown I’d get a gulp of air that would allow me to stay alive and hold on that little bit longer.
Now through the ups and downs of four months because I took time to look after myself I finally can see that getting better is an option.
2. Life can suck
Honestly, life can really suck at times. There are circumstances and people we want in life that aren’t going to happen/be there, the new medication that you had put all your hope on made you worse and you know what that can really, really suck.
I have spent the majority of 2016 feeling that my life just sucks. There have been so many situations that have just not went my way, so many relationships that have broken down, so many people walked away, continual trial and error on treatment with no result and it was just crappy to be honest. The situations along with the depression leave me feeling worthless, ugly, stupid, untreatable and a monster. But it doesn’t last forever and at some point it will pick up whether you can see that far ahead or not.
So what I’m telling you is that I realised yes life sucks at points but it won’t suck forever and you can believe me or not on this but just around the corner a blessing is waiting for you.
3. Every wound heals
Before writing this I came back to my blog “Life Lessons” and found this….
This continues to be one of the most challenging years of my life but I remember in that point of life I felt there was never going to be a time when those wounds would heal. Those feelings were part of a tornado that was spinning me round and round in circles with no clear end to the storm. Here I am 5 months later saying they’re gone (mostly). I look back to the summer and realise that slowly without me noticing the friendships were being repaired, mistakes have been fixed and opportunities continue to come despite the ones I missed. A smile crosses my face as I realise no matter how badly we mess up and think we ruin something there is always a way to fix it as long as you and others are willing to.
So for you guys who feel you have messed up pretty bad – don’t worry you really haven’t. Face up to what you have done, do what you can to mend it and it will all heal but it takes time. After all time is the only healer.
4. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
If people had told me at the start of 2016 there were situations that would happen which wouldn’t absolutely destroy me I wouldn’t have believed them. There were circumstances in my head that I thought when they came about I wouldn’t be able to deal with them and would just give up, bury my head under my duvet until I was ready to pull myself out of bed only to get a one-way flight to Belfast. Those situations happened, they passed and 1) I’m still alive and 2) I’m still in Glasgow. I walked away from them with some hurt, some pain, and some sadness but I never thought it was possible that I would walk away stronger. But, it happened.
I don’t recognise the Hannah I see when I look in the mirror now and I don’t mean because I have a Mom bob but because of how far I have come. The girl last year seems like a fictional character one that I made up in my head. Although she isn’t, I hope it helps others out there realised that your mental illness won’t define you forever and you can become the person you know you are.
I know those thoughts when you don’t feel like your time will ever come to get better and you feel like you are the one exception to treatment with no cure in sight but keep holding on, please. Your true friends will always be by your side, wounds always heal and when you walk away from a difficult situation you will see how much stronger you have become even though you don’t feel like it in the middle of the turmoil.
Now I have been lifted out of the water and onto the sand where I can look at the calmness of the sea and appreciate it for what it is. Who knows how long it is before I return to this water but for now I’m enjoying being on the shore watching the waves from afar.